The “inbetween” you talk about is understandable. There is also a lot of grief surfacing, which is not being recognized as grief. These next few months will be intense. These are not times for haste. Each moment is sacred and requires our presence as we build for seven generations to come. The building blocks are the moments of our presence. I found I am sleeping more, resting more, meditating more as I appear to be doing more inner energy work… recalibrating an energy grid on a very deep and profound level. There is a lot of trauma (collective and intergenerational) that is coming up, like a dust cloud after you’ve hit a cushion. So your feeling of “lostness” is understandable given the circumstances. It is with me as well. And then there is this beautiful clarity. I curb the need or tendency to “fix” the “lostness.” Fixing is part of the old paradigm. My QiGong and deep meditation practices keep me grounded in the unknowing, as paradoxical as that may seem. I focus on the “flow of increase” of my blessings with great gratitude for what is and a new world being born. Life is really good and abundant and caring and collaborative and co-regulative. I curb my urge to control and to reorder those old patterns and beliefs. I allow life to show me the way, not separate from the collective but as a component of her. What values do we want to bring forward? When we focus on those values and pleasures the old ways disintegrate…. literally! We cannot fix anything within a patriarchal paradigm that does not acknowledge our foundation, nature and the feminine as equal and integral parts of who we are as and in the whole, regardless of gender, race, culture and orientation. My body is wise. Your body is wise. We were made for these times. In fact, these times are all too familiar to me and I do not question the reason why. I stay with my body. She is my rudder. Less is more!!!
Regarding family dynamics, I have had to let go of ideals to awaken to the reality that my brothers are not as my parents would have imagined or as I once believed ~either that, or I am awake and I can see the coercion, the feeble attempts at scapegoating, the lies and the family shadows at play. I have worked through a lot of guilt in relation to their family ‘code of conduct’ and about the choice to hire a lawyer for myself. I chose wisely and I have you to thank for planting that seed. The playing out reminds me of Game of Thrones or what I have heard of it. But this isn’t Game of Thrones and they are being reminded that we are not living in the dark ages. “Women belong in all places where decisions being made.” ~ Ruth Bader-Ginsburg.
My rudder is very sturdy and clear with no harm intended. There has been a lot of bullying and blaming from them in legal documents, showing me that they remain in denial of their childhood wounds and the cycles of traumas that have come from those wounds. I’m embarrassed for them, actually, yet remain compassionate. Other people are now seeing the injustice and the control and the bullying at play even if my brothers’ cannot. I have chosen differently. I have chosen a different path and role for myself other than the one they want to ascribe to me…. which has been as a scapegoat. This I recognize as a family pattern from my rage-aholic father when we were little. Where there is trauma, there is scarcity and lack. I live in abundance. I am not responsible for their choices and decisions.
You say that you hope people are finding me because my gifts and talents are much needed at this moment in history. As for people finding me, I have yet to be blessed but I feel it coming, and somehow tied to this family process, which has been slow. But then again, clearing out generational wounds and reclaiming one’s sovereignty for generations to come is no instant process. There’s a bigger and better story at play than simply monetary inheritance.
I am finding myself safe in my vulnerability and far outside the combative cruelty and traumas I was born into. I am finding a community of more like-minded souls, which gives me hope and fills me with a sense of what family is to me; supportive, compassionate, safe to be and express myself, to thrive and be successful in whichever way I choose.
I attended the online Collective Trauma and Healing Summit hosted by Thomas Hubl, which you probably know. I found some very interesting speakers like Thomas, Stephen Porges, Ruth King, Deeyah, Kahn, etc… I knew of Gabor Mate, Charles Eisenstein, previously. I kept thinking … “Why aren’t I doing this? Is there something holding me back? Why have I not been found?” – So I am getting curious as to why I have not been found and what I am perhaps not doing to make that come about. If you have something to add, I would be most appreciative. <3
I have been treating myself with great regard, as I would like myself to be treated and not how I have been treated in the past. It’s as if I didn’t know better in the past. And how I was treated (how I allowed myself to be treated) was simply the way things were. I have recently chosen differently. I have painted some parts of my apartment a deep rich wine/purple with turquoise accents. By painting, I feel I am claiming my space in the world, in my community, in my family. I am a worthy peer, a worthy person, a worthy Light. Although I may not be in this apartment forever, the time I am here and its space, are sacred.
Am I ready? Am I ready to be revealed to the world? Am I ready to be found?
Warmly and fondly,