I experienced an emotional meltdown recently that lasted for a day. I hadn’t had one in a few years, however, I was comfortable with the process knowing that it had served me very well in the past. Feelings of discouragement, defeat, hopelessness, discouragement, frustration, sadness and doubt came to the surface, all leading to an outward surrender to the Universe… I felt I wasn’t being heard.
The day progressed slowly as I stayed indoors on the couch, talking out loud to the Universe of my disappointments and weeping for most of the day. Being an uplifting person, I felt bad but soon dispensed with the guilt as it serves no purpose.
I was uncertain as to what triggered the meltdown but it didn’t matter. The emotional waves inside me were powerful and real, and I knew enough about myself and from previous experiences that my emotions would take me to a new place inside. All I needed was to surrender, let those emotions bubble to the surface, feel them, and I would pass through a new threshold.
I posted on Facebook that I was having an emotional meltdown. Not for the purpose of being rescued, cajoled or soothed, for that matter, but to let the Universe know (in the event I wasn’t being heard in the house), I had had enough…
I had a nap in the afternoon and later, slept well into the night. I was exhausted, which was good. The experience reminded me of my childhood, when I was upset, mad or punished unjustly, and fell asleep from sobbing.
The next day my intuition led me to a blog on the topic of ‘wounded-mates versus ‘soul-mates.’ The concept was fascinating as I read the article… it made sense to me. I then rolled onto Jeff Brown’s Facebook page where there was a posting for a workshop for women, offering exercises to heal the memories and relationships with ‘unawakened men’. And it hit me! All my relationships with men fell into place… could they all have been by-products of the unawakened male within me? I thought of all the relationships I’ve had with unawakened men, including my father and my relationship with him as a child. Clarity was abound! From my current boyfriend to previous ones, right back to my father, and my mother’s relationship with my father…the loneliness, the anger, the betrayal, the feeling of being trapped, the frustration in not being heard or understood, hiding, blame, being overlooked, punished, judged, undervalued … the oppression of my inner child and the oppression of the sacred feminine within my mother.
The sacred feminine within me is a survivor, a warrior, a crone, a free spirit, a nurturer, an alchemist, a seductress, a teacher, a child, a bitch, and so much more. Since the late 1980’s I’ve gotten to know her more intimately after shifting my life from an outward focus to an inner one. I took many courses/workshops, I practiced and taught metaphysics, spirituality, intuitive development and the healing arts. I’ve also had many incredible spiritual experiences. I’ve had many hard knocks in what most would call everyday life. I’ve had jobs, relationships, a child, and I’ve also lost jobs, loved ones and relationships.
By this time in the day, I had walked to my local coffee shop, contemplating everything that had transpired over the last 24 hours. After I ordered my coffee, I sat on the bench outside and enjoyed the sunshine. I remember that over the last 6 months, I’ve connected with the teachings of Abraham-Hicks. I’ve witnessed tremendous improvements in my clarity, well-being and creative expression through affirmations and daily practice. But now it seemed, I was working on another level of spiritual awakening. I contemplated taking the workshop but thought, ‘if the unawakened male in my life is a by-product of my conditioning, then he must live somewhere within me, not outside of me! If I have attracted unawakened men, over and over in my life, then it would stand to reason that I had been aligning with the unawakened male within me for all this time… Realizing I could apply the teachings of Abraham-Hicks, I sat on the bench with my face lifted towards the sun with the gentle desire to find, activate and align with the vibration of the awakened male within me.
And rather than dwelling on my old stories of the male, I chose to mentally activate the vibration of my awakened masculine within me by placing my attention on my desire. I couldn’t change the past or the masculine that had already materialized over the course of my life but I could activate a new masculine within me… one that was awake! It was a most powerful moment with what felt like pure serenity, grace and unconditional loved filling me, like a billowy cloud filling my inner being and around me… I basked in it and then I played! I gently called forth my awakened feminine to align with my awakened male. I could feel the most complete wholeness of being I have ever felt… melting, morphing… creating from within… redefining at my core the meaning of male/female beyond the initial imprint of my unawakened parents. Releasing the pain body, releasing the suffering… only to float with both feet on the ground!
… and more to come, I’m sure!
Love & Light